LYING ASTEROID PANDEMIC

From Time Magazine:
They were especially interested in a 30-ft. layer of sediment just above the iridium layer. That sediment, they calculate, was laid down at a rate of about 0.8 in. to 1.2 in. per thousand years, meaning that the entire 30 feet took 300,000 years to settle into place.

A couple of professors are spending their lives trying to prove an asteroid didn’t kill off the dinosaurs. Because it’s very, very important to know what happened 65 million years ago to a bunch of dumb lizards. Don’t try and cure any diseases, don’t try to grow a better kind of wheat or whatever—no, just make sure we find out about that layer of iridium.

Keep digging, guys. You’re making your mamas proud.

Fox News isn’t going to carry Obama’s press conference tonight. That’s because the people who watch Fox News have no interest in Obama, since they know everything he’s done and will ever do is completely wrong. Where did they learn this? Mostly from Fox News.

What are they showing in place of Obama? One of their top-rated shows, something called Lie To Me. This makes perfect sense. Lies are very popular on Fox.

I shouldn’t make fun of the flu epidemic (or PANDEMIC, as the media likes to say), because we’ll probably all be dead soon, but I heard a guy on the radio say, “we’re past the point of no return… it’s a GLOBAL PANDEMIC” or something like that.

And it’s true, about 200 people have the flu. But there are six billion people on the planet. Obviously, the point of no return comes along much sooner than we thought. More pandemics to follow.

Just in case you didn’t hear me, I said PANDEMIC.

I should probably say it again—PANDEMIC.

GLOBAL PANDEMIC

The Swine Flu

So I’m watching the news, and the guy is talking about the swine flu, and he says, “We don’t want to alarm people…”

Meanwhile, there are big red letters across the bottom of the screen: DEADLY FLU EPIDEMIC SPREADING

“We want everyone to know there’s no reason to panic.”
WIDESPREAD DEATH EXPECTED SOON

“Disease control centers are taking appropriate measures.”
EXPECT HEAPING PILES OF DEAD BABIES IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD

“Everything is being carefully monitored.”
BUY FUNERAL PLOTS NOW

Thanks, guys. I’m going to go take an aspirin.

ELVIS WAS RIGHT

They told me everything was guaranteed
Somebody somewhere must have lied to me
—Elvis Costello

Austin, Texas

Hey, the state of Texas wants to secede from the United States. Apparently, they don’t like the current administration’s fiscal plans. Adios muchachos, but keep this in mind—if you form your own country, you’ll need your own army. And that can be a little pricey.

Anyway, all this stuff reminded me that Jill and I went to Austin last year and had a great time. This is my review of the trip.

Austin claims to be the “live music capital of the world,” and it seemed to be true. We went to the Continental Club at 7PM on a Wednesday night and there were over a hundred people there to see a bluegrass band. There was a big guy in a back room wearing a Black Flag T-shirt. I tried to talk to him, but he was way too cool to communicate, confirming my suspicion that stupid assholes aren’t just found at the Court Tavern in New Brunswick, NJ.

Everyone else was super nice. The girls in Austin wear a lot less make-up than the Jersey girls. In general, the sexuality is toned way down. You won’t see all the cosmetically-exploded shopping mall porno stars you see around here. A lot of people drink Lone Star beer, a sour kind of swill that tastes like spoiled Budweiser. But the drinks are cheap. You don’t need to be rich to get drunk in Austin. And by the way, I don’t mind a few cosmetically-exploded shopping mall porno stars. New Jersey, you rule!

Texans are very obsessed with their state. The state flag is flying from all the buildings. This seemed a little strange to me, since I don’t even know what the state flag of New Jersey looks like. I’m guessing it features a picture of a toll booth, and by the way New Jersey, you suck!

The food in Austin is AMAZING. Apparently, I never had real Mexican food before. The main difference is the cheese, or the lack of it. Real Mexicans don’t drown everything under a pound of saturated fat (I’m looking at you, Chi-Chi’s). And it’s cheap as hell. You can eat like a pig in Austin for very little money. Let’s just say I did my part, oink, oink.

We went to Gueros to have tacos and a trio of musicians came over to serenade us with endless songs of love and romance. They kept playing and playing and I’m wondering, “when are these guys going to fuck off?” I didn’t realize they were waiting for a tip. Because I’m not the kind of musician who’s used to getting paid, you know? Finally, one of the guys whispered to me they were waiting for cash, so I gave them a little extortion money and they started torturing someone else.

We decided to check out the bats underneath the Congress Street Bridge. A humongous bat colony lives there, and at night they emerge to greet their cheering fans. You know you’re in the big, big city when people congregate every evening to watch a few million vermin head out to devour mosquitoes. Seriously, it’s pretty interesting, and it’s also free. Around here they’d charge for this kind of thing. There would be a gate, a theme park, a bunch of luxury sky-boxes, a cheesy souvenir shop, $9.00 plastic cups of Coca -Cola, etc. In Austin, such fine entertainment costs nothing. We got there just in time, and it was fun. You really can’t do this anywhere else.

We went to the Texas State Museum. This is a good place to go if you care about the history of Texas—but our main interest was in the air-conditioning system. It’s hot in Austin. We went to the IMAX theater inside and saw a movie about dinosaurs. All know is I stopped sweating for an hour.

We went to the Broken Spoke. This is a hardcore country place. Remember Bob’s Country Bunker in The Blues Brothers? It looks like Bob’s. The people inside are really into “country dancing.” A lot of them wear cowboy clothes, and “two-step” around the room in high style. Now, I underestimated how seriously these people were taking all this—and that’s why I was wearing a pair of loafers, a pair of shorts, and a Led Zeppelin T-shirt. And that’s why we went out on the dance floor and banged into everybody like a couple of pinballs adrift in a sea of cowboy hats. And that’s why we were lucky no one killed us.

Apparently, there’s more to “two-steppin’” than I thought. The pedal steel guy in the band gave me a look when we left the dance floor. He was smiling, kind of like yeah, you two really oughtta mosey on home now. Anyway, it was still a good night. Willie Nelson used to play at this place. He still comes in to eat sometimes.

Austin is a cool city. It’s definitely a cool place.

You can see photos from our trip right here.

Plastic Surgery Disasters

When I was a kid my mother made me wear “school clothes” to school. I’d come home after school and change into my “play clothes.”

I used to envy all the kids who went to school in their “play clothes.” They were a lot more comfortable, and it’s easier for a kid to concentrate and pay attention when he’s comfortable. Who knows, I might have gone to Harvard if Mom hadn’t strangled my ass to death in those horrible clothes.

Plus, they were ugly. I still remember one pair of grayish polyester pants with mucky red spots or whatever. If you’re going to make your kid suffer so he “looks nice,” you might want to make sure he doesn’t look like an idiot. And I looked like an idiot, sitting there in those hideous clothes that would eventually contribute to my antisocial behavior.

I was thinking about this while driving to work today, because I was listening to the CD Plastic Surgery Disasters. I hadn’t heard this Dead Kennedys masterpiece in a long time, and I was laughing my head off from the very first line, when a sweet woman’s voice emerges from the ominous swirl of sound and says, Why are you such a stupid asshole? Would you really like to know? The rest of the album “lets us know,” painting a picture that’s funny, sad, and too close to the truth.

We live in a world where everyone tries to shove us into cages marked “normal,” so we can wear clothes we hate and go to jobs we don’t like. Then we buy the house we’re supposed to buy, have the kids we’re expected to have, and laugh at all the “freaks” who are different in an attempt to feel better about our choices. Meanwhile, the pre-fab world around us is controlled by dark and sinister forces.

There’s not much irony in the lyrics—they’re fairly straightforward—but there’s lots of enlightening symbolism. I especially love the tune Forest Fire, where a rich yuppie stands outside his mansion while it’s engulfed in flames, pondering whether he should save his wife or the stash of cocaine in the basement.

My Finger, My Computer

I cut the middle finger of my right hand. This is a nuisance—I use that finger to play the guitar. Also, it’s hard to drive in New Jersey without a middle finger.

I saw something posted that claimed the difference between a Mac and a PC is “five hundred dollars and a logo.”

Actually, it’s five hundred dollars and five hundred viruses.