Night At The Fights

IT'S NEVER EASY

The best line of the night came from one of the many “managers” I spoke/argued with: “It’s not fine print. It’s a disclaimer.”

Right. It’s a disclaimer written in very, very, fine print.

Anyway, the free GPS thingy looks like a piece of crap—BUT IT’S OUR PIECE OF CRAP! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go run over a car salesman. Vroom! Vroom!

REGRET

"I'm funnier than I look"

I think Mark had a good point. He was pretty smart for a guy who spent so much time muddling around in the Mississippi River.

About a million years ago I met a drummer at The Cove Lounge in Roselle Park, NJ. His name was Bob and he’d been around a long time. Bob told me he’d played for years in a bunch of head-bangin’ bands down at the Jersey shore. He said he was deaf in one ear and I said, “That’s too bad.”

Bob waved his hand and said, “Hey, I’d do it all again. I had a great time.”

Bob was a cool guy. Of course, he was a cool guy who probably should’ve worn ear protection, but I understood his point.

Will you regret what you didn’t do? I’ll regret not traveling more, and not moving to New York or San Francisco back when it was still affordable. I’ll regret a few things involving women, some of them stupid things I did but mostly stupid things I didn’t do that I wish I’d done, ha-ha.

I forget which Kurt Vonnegut book has a character’s tombstone engraved with the words, “HE TRIED.”

That’s a good thing to have on your stone. I hope someone chisels it into mine.

Death Of A Car

It looks like I’m buying a new car—my Dodge Stratus has finally bit the dust. Bit it, swallowed it, and barfed it back up. And then it got hit by a freight train. So there’s that problem, too.

Okay, I’m joking about the train. But I am buying a car, and it’s a dark, dark day. It’s a day for Sauron, Voldemort, and Vader to get together and laugh. Because they’re all part of franchises that made tons of money, so who cares about the MRSP on a Winged Nazgul?

HEY, MONEY ISN’T EVERYTHING, GUYS! Last time I checked, none of you had girlfriends. I’m getting sidetracked here…

Car dealers are all a bunch of gangsters. They want to charge me for floormats, charge me for anti-lock brakes, charge me for a radio.
Uh, by the way, how much to remove the dead body in the trunk?

GPS is the hot new option. It talks and tells you where you are all the time. It says, “You’re lost, dumb-ass. You’re lost and you’re deep in debt, HA-HA! Please send in your next payment. And look on the bright side—at least you didn’t buy something made by General Motors.”

It’s true, I’m getting a Honda.

New Photos

I’ve added a whole bunch of new photos to this site. Some are from May and some are from March. They aren’t all of me, either, because I now what my audience likes, and I’m not it. So check it out.

Just Because

Have you read A Tale Of Two Cities?

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was a time when the world’s greatest literature was also the most popular. When did that start to change?

Money ruins everything it touches. Books, records, movies—the never-ending corporate quest to create a “product” that appeals to EVERYONE leads to the graph-brained manufacture of bland mediocrity.

It was interesting to see all the “primitive art” on display in the San Diego Museum Of Art. All this stuff was created by people who weren’t seeking wealth or fame. It was created by people living in huts and caves who had no idea that 5000 years later their masterpieces would end up in gleaming museums on the other side of the world.

So why did they do it? Because people like to create things—useless, beautiful things. It’s what makes us different from other creatures. Sometimes the modern world makes us forget why we do it. But we do it just because, and that should be reason enough.

TOFU

I tried being a vegetarian once. I threw out a hundred pounds of tofu trying to make that stuff taste like food.

It blends right into everything—uh, no, not really. I mean, not unless you’re blending it into soft, wet rubber. It isn’t too bad when you mix it in a frying pan with peppers and onions, but do you know what tastes a lot better? Use eggs instead. And throw in some bacon.

Actually, I don’t eat bacon. Because look what it did to Elvis. Of course, Elvis also loved fried banana and peanut butter sandwiches, which are totally “vegetarian.”

Maybe I’ll try one of those some day.

San Diego Visitor Guide

This is not the typical San Diego Visitor Guide. I read a bunch of those and thought I could do better—or at least give a different perspective. So if you’re searching the internet for things to do in San Diego, or if you just want to read about the place, here’s the viewpoint of someone who was just there.

Old Town Historic State Park

This is supposed to be an “historic section” of the city containing some of its oldest buildings, finest stores, and most happening restaurants. In reality, it’s a crowded bunch of streets resembling a movie set erected by Mexican frat boys. Old Town has all the hollow hipness of a taco-shaped shopping mall.

Recommendation: Go check it out. While everything I described is true, that doesn’t mean you can’t get drunk and eat some good food, and isn’t that what life’s all about? I even purchased a ridiculous cowboy hat and blended right into the pre-fab deformity, yee-ha.

"DO I LOOK STUPID OR WHAT?"

The San Diego Zoo

“Did you go to the zoo?” This is the question you’ll hear whenever you tell someone you just returned from San Diego. Yes, we went to the zoo, and if you like animals you’ll love the place because there are lots of them there. Actually, let me clarify that statement: If you like animals that look bored to death while they’re moping around waiting to die, you’ll be in heaven.

I’m not an animal activist. I was happy to eat steak, salmon, and shrimp all week long. But the zoo is a cruel place. Supposedly these animals live in a “new” kind of cage that simulates their natural environment. So a 1500-pound polar bear born to roam the artic tundra is now living in a “natural environment” that resembles a frozen bathtub? Don’t tell me those bears were happy. I know a happy bear when I see one—I used to watch Yogi and Boo Boo all the time. Most of the animals in the zoo look sleepy and lifeless. In fact, if they replaced half the creatures with stuffed animals no would notice any difference. At least the fake ones would be smiling.

Recommendation: Go check it out, because you’re probably not as jaded as I am, and you’ll probably think that Koala bear is cute even though he won’t move one fuzzy inch.

"HERE'S WHAT I THINK OF HUMANS."

Sea World
We didn’t go to Seaworld. The idea of paying $65 (the cost of one adult ticket) to see a whale jump through a stupid hoop didn’t really grab me.

Balboa Park
Hey, a whole park named after Rocky! And it looks nothing like Philadelphia! Because it looks beautiful!

This is a gorgeous place bursting with gardens and fountains and museums. There’s also a consistent sprinkling of folks trying to convert you to their religion, so choose your cult and give thanks, etc.

Recommendation: GO THERE, IT’S GOOD.

BALBOA PARK

Coronado

Coronado is a nearby peninsula that likes to call itself “an island,” I guess because it sounds cooler. You don’t believe me? Would you have watched a show called Gilligan’s Peninsula? Of course not.

The side of Coronado that faces San Diego Harbor is okay, although the town is full of touristy trash and the beaches look like sandboxes. The side of the island that faces the Pacific Ocean is incredible. The beach is vast and the sand is white and silky.

Recommendation: If you have time, check out both sides. But if you don’t, skip the harbor side and head right to the Pacific.

CORONADO

Bernardos Winery
For some reason this place was in the San Diego guidebook. I don’t know who Bernardo knows down at the guidebook-printing place, but his winery wasn’t exactly up to snuff. In fact, it wasn’t really up to anything. We were expecting some kind of tour, or someone to say, “Hi, welcome to Bernardos,” or some kind of SOMETHING. But really, we just parked the car and wandered around a bunch of artisan shops that mostly contained frivilous items for sale at high prices, and no customers. There was a glassblower who was amazing, though. He really should move out of there.

Sprinkled around the grounds are old ladies making watercolor paintings of barn doors and flowers. I imagine they wake up every morning and head to Bernardos, hoping no one moved the door today. The silence is eerie. It’s like a Stephen King story. I kept waiting for the zombies to appear and start forcing us to crush grapes. There was a place labeled “information” that held a wall of pamphlets telling you about all the better things you could be doing if you weren’t wasting the precious moments of your life at a do-nothing winery.

Recommendation: Do not go to Bernardos.

THIS PLACE SUCKS, RIGHT?

La Jolla Cove
Awesome and dramatic place with a sweeping view of the sand and the sea. Absolutely go there.

YES, IT'S NICE

Some Great Restaurants

El COMAL – Real Mexican food that is REALLY good.

MIMMO’S ITALIAN VILLAGE – In the heart of Little Italy. Reasonable and delicious.

Isabel’s Cantina – “Bold Latin flavors from the New California kitchen.” That’s their description, not mine, but it seems to fit.

Khyber Pass – Awesome Afghan cuisine in the heart of Southern California.

The Best Thing To Do in San Diego, CA

Our favorite time in San Diego was spent walking through the neighborhoods of the city. We really loved North Park. We also saw South Park, Golden Hill, Hillcrest, the Gas Lamp Quarter, LaJolla, Little Italy, Pacfic Beach, the downtown area, and the harbor. There’s a lot of energy in these places, a lot of restaurants, lots of thrift shops and markets and tattoo parlors and people made of real flesh. San Diego is a friendly place with perfect weather. So if you’re going there, I’d recommend just walking around. It’s usually the best way to see any city.

NORTH PARK

The Secret Record

The record I’ve been threatening to make for the last few years is actually going to happen. Bill Homeyer and I secretly recorded 14 drum tracks in his sprawling basement studio. This process wasn’t a deliberate secret—it’s just that no one cared. Please pre-order your copy today, and expect delivery sometime before 2012.

I was wondering which is more fun—making records no one hears, writing books no one reads, or creating a BLOG no one sees. I’m going to go with the BLOG option since it wasn’t that expensive or time consuming. Of course, it’s more humiliating on a daily basis. But I can handle humiliation in small doses. It’s something I learned in High School.

Hello? Hello? At the sound of the beep it will be 12 o’clock… At the sound of the gunshot I will be dead.

That was a joke. Things could be a lot worse. Everything here is good.

Sunset On San Diego

VACATION'S OVER... VACATION'S OVER... VACATION'S OVER...

After a week in San Diego, I’m ready to return to New Jersey.

Wait—let me rephrase that statement, and make it more accurate. After a week in San Diego, I’m ready to stay in San Diego. Yeah, that’s better.

It’s also not true. I miss New Jersey. Why? Because I’m stupid. I mean, isn’t it obvious? Why else would anyone miss a place where shopping malls are laid out end-to-end along grungy highways filled with snarling people on a mad dash to Macy’s? It’s all about what you’re used to. And I am used to crap. If you’re born in crap, you learn to love it. Just ask your average housefly.

Airplanes are the worst. On the flight over here some lady was changing her baby’s diaper on the tray that folds down from the seat. The flight attendant told her twice to use the changing table in the bathroom, but the woman ignored her. Now maybe she didn’t understand english, but BABY EL STINKO, okay? I think that’s a pretty universal idea.

I have to go pack.

SAN DIEGO PIZZA PARADISE

LOOKING GOOD IN SAN DIEGO

You’ve been told lies your whole life. About what? Well, lots of things. Like the glory of capitalism and the idea that Joan Baez wasn’t a complete bore. But mostly, you’ve been told lies about pizza, and how they don’t make it right on the Left Coast.

Not only did I find a great slice of pizza in Southern California, but I found it at a commercial beach—a place infested with the superficial stench of knick-knack collecting tourists. I’m talking about the Village Pizzeria on the island of Coronado. Coronado is actually a “peninsula” but let’s not get sidetracked with someone’s disregard for geographic accuracy. Let’s talk turkey about some dough.

The “regular” pizza didn’t look like anything special, but then Jill spotted a pie made with fresh tomato slices and glorious ribbons of green basil AND MAN WAS IT GOOD! As good as New Jersey pizza? Listen, you chumps, it was better. And yes, the crust was perfect. So there goes my number one reason not to move to the West Coast.

I’m practically picking out an apartment now.

OH, BABY!