Online Dating Hell III

She was blonde like a bottle of bleach, with sweet blue eyes. She was very attractive until she started talking. She started talking right away. What did she talk about? Mostly her ex-boyfriend.

They’d been engaged, and picked out the names of their kids, and purchased land in Arizona. They were going to head West and raise a little brood in the
barren desert. Until he dumped her, of course.

She didn’t like the restaurant I picked out. She stopped at the door and looked at the menu and said, “let’s go somewhere else.” She looked at lots of menus at a lot more places and finally settled on a condescending little cafe with high prices and poofy little portions.

Why did I stick around? Well, I told you she was attractive. Also, I was stupid.

She didn’t ask me anything. She didn’t even ask me about my job—as in, “what do you do all day?” Any kind of question would’ve taken away precious words she was saving for her ex-boyfriend. His name was Mike. He was an astronaut, I think, or maybe a butcher. I can’t remember because I stopped paying attention at some point.

We walked around a bit after dinner. It was her idea and it seemed planned, like “here’s the romantic part of our date where I talk about my ex-boyfriend
outside the restaurant.” But I knew the date was coming to an end. Because when a guy decides a girl is so annoying he doesn’t even want to try and have
sex with her, the date is coming to an end.

I guess she went home and dreamed about Mike. I went back online.

HOW TO HAVE A CHEAP WEDDING

"Sure, I do."

I recently overheard someone say she “couldn’t have a decent wedding for under $40,000,” and I knew it was my turn to step up and save the world. So I’ve written the operating instructions that will allow you and the love of your life to have a ceremony and banquet with an “open bar” for over 100 people at a cost of under $500. How can I be sure this will work? Because Jill and I did it, and we’re just as married as anyone who spent the king’s castle. So without any further drivel, here’s how to have a cheap wedding:

The Invitations – Do you really need to spend weeks agonizing over these little gold-embossed pieces of pretension? Who are you trying to impress? I know, I know—everyone. And that’s probably why you’ll end up divorced, but let’s not get sidetracked. What’s my point? Use email. If someone doesn’t have email, call them on the phone. If you don’t have someone’s phone number, ask yourself who is this “friend” and why are you inviting him/her?
Cheap Wedding Cost: $0

The Photographer – Face it, if you hand a monkey a camera and tell him to take a hundred pictures you’ll get at least 20 good ones. We had no regrets about not hiring one of these overpriced opportunists. Just get a couple of friends/family members to do it. Plus, a lot of people who attend will send you their photos. We got zillions of excellent pictures.
Cheap Wedding Cost: $0

The Dress – The pharaohs of ancient Egypt used to get very dressed up to die—but they were planning to be dressed for all eternity. You are only getting dressed for one day. And that’s why Ebay is the place for you, honey. Trust me, your radiant glow will transform any sack of cotton into the shimmering art of a master seamstress. Get a nice one.
Cheap Wedding Cost: $20

The Ceremony – You could rent a place and pay a preacher. Or you could go to the park and let nature be your own glorious love-cathedral. And you could get a friend who is legally allowed to marry people with a license obtained on the internet (from a place called “The Church Of Love and Light,” I believe). Anyway, we paid her with a plant. As for the park, it was a perfect day by the river. I’m not sure if we were supposed to get a permit or what, but we figured it would be quick and we’d be gone before the cops arrived.
Cheap Wedding Cost: About $5.95 (plant from Stop And Shop)

PS I know what you’re thinking: What if it rains? Look, sometimes you have to be bold. Was Luke Skywalker worried about rain when he set off to destroy the Death Star? Of course not— because he was inside a spaceship, you dumb-ass. If it rains it rains, and that’s life. Trust fate.

Dinner – Yes, you cook it yourself. But DO NOT cook something that requires continuous preparation because then you’ll be too busy boiling huge pots of pasta to mingle. WE SHOULD’VE MADE BAKED ZITI, DAMMIT! Or something easier. Anyway, pick an entree that’s good and cheap and can be largely cooked ahead of time. Forget about shrimp and lobster and steak because there is very little correlation between good cooking and high cost, and you can buy a lot of ziti and tomatoes for fifty bucks, right? If you make a fantastic marinara sauce (or rice, or whatever), people will eat it. Throw in a few humongous bowls of salad and some bread.
Cheap Wedding Cost: Around $100

The Banquet Hall – Obviously, you do it in your house. What about chairs? Tables? Don’t worry about it—everyone can stand up and eat or sit down outside. If everyone is drinking enough they won’t care, trust me. One recommendation: If you live in an apartment that only holds about 20 people comfortably, you might not want to invite 150 people without even bothering to find out how many of them are actually coming because, uh, things could get a little tight. I’m just saying… But you’re all friends, and it’ll be great.
Cheap Wedding Cost: $0

Alcohol – This is where most of the $500 comes in—and if I were you I’d stick with beer. Why? Because it’s cheaper, and you can get just as drunk on beer as you can on anything else. Plus, beer is very filling, and people won’t drink as much of it after eating all that pasta. If you go the BUD route you can get a lot of barf for your buck, but since I wanted to be fancy (after all, this is a WEDDING) I bought about 10 cases of BASS ALE for around $28 per case. Plus, people brought a lot of alcohol (I’ll admit, this was a key component). We didn’t tell them to, but they did, and that was good because we drank it.
Cheap Wedding Cost: $300

The DJ – Did I say the photographer was the biggest joker in the deck? That’s until I remembered this guy—a guy who puts CDs into a CD player. Can you guess what the solution is here? Yes, you put them in yourself—very good, Einstein. You win a free Dead Kennedys album.
Cheap Wedding Cost: $0

Wedding Favors – The memory of your love is all they will need.
Cheap Wedding Cost: $0

The Cake – Jill actually called a few bakeries and discovered if you attach the word “wedding” to any kind of cake you also attach an extra $500 – $1000. To each his own, but let me say this—anyone who spends $1000 on a cake is a real asshole. Anyway, Jill made it herself. Since Jill is not really a cake-maker the cake kind of sagged a bit and fell over. But it had PERSONALITY, and it tasted great.
Cheap Wedding Cost: Around $8

I think that’s everything. If there’s anything I forgot just skip it because it isn’t important. Believe it or not, your cheap wedding will be more memorable to most people than the typical display of big dopey dollars. They’ll have a great time and so will you.

ONLINE DATING HELL II

She told me she didn’t smoke. We went to a restaurant in New Brunswick where she proceeded to spend most of our date trying to bum cigarettes from people. Finally, someone gave her one. She explained she was a “non-smoker who only smokes when she goes out.” I explained that was fine, because I only like to get cancer when I go out. Actually, I didn’t say this because she was pretty damn good-looking, and guys are stupid that way—we’re willing to risk a little cancer, a touch of coronary disease, a dose of slow, lingering death in the pursuit of a hot girl in a very tight dress.

She lived with her parents in the ritzy town of Princeton. Despite her highfalutin address, she was very paranoid about crime. She told me she looked under her bed every night before she went to sleep. Also, she looked in all the closets. For what? For guys. She thought guys might be hiding in these places. I said, “Well, maybe one of them will give you a cigarette.” And I actually DID say this, because despite her race car curves I was getting a little annoyed by the billowing clouds of carbon monoxide emanating from the endless smoke-hole in her face.

She didn’t think I was too funny. I didn’t think she smelled so great. And so it was back to the internet for both of us.

Online Dating Hell

People today have more ways to start a romantic relationship than ever before. People today have access to online dating, Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, email, text messaging, cell phones, and online chat. But does any of this stuff make the process easier?

I’m not an expert in this field, and no one is asking me to appear on Oprah. I did test the digital waters a bit before I met Jill, and I’ll say there are certain aspects of meeting people that technology has improved. But in the end, here’s the problem: Until you actually meet someone, you haven’t met anyone.

I “met” a girl one time in an AOL chat room. We agreed to meet at a bar in Belmar. She told me she was 31, never married, no kids. So I walk into the bar, and a woman asks me my name. I tell her, yeah, I’m Joe—but I’m thinking, uh, who the hell are you?

This woman was not 31 years old. She says, “Well, my friends tell me I look like I’m thirty-one.”

Honey, you’re friends are lying.

She finally admits to being “around fifty.” Okay, I suppose 60 is around 50. Put it this way, she had a grandson who was living with her—when he wasn’t busy sailing with the U.S. Navy.

Anyway, it was a real short date. She had to go home and watch The Golden Girls.