Didn’t I just write a eulogy for Malcom McClaren? And now I have to write one about Ronnie James Dio, who I never even listened to?
Jill ate dinner at Dio’s house. Well, it was his mother’s house—I forget the story, but she was friends with a cousin of his and they went to eat at Mrs. Dio’s house up in North Jersey. Her names wasn’t “Dio” though—it was some other name, but she was his mom. She had his curly black hair. She had a five octave range.
I saw Dio live. It was an accident. I went to see Motorhead, and it just so happened Dio was also playing, along with Iron Maiden.
Dio was impressive. The band sounded awesome (in fact, they were the best sounding band of the night), and RJD was a real nice guy. He slapped hands with everyone in the first few rows and showed sincere appreciation for his fans. I recall his between song patter was oddly polite—Keith Beck described him as a “heavy metal Neil Diamond.” But then the band would start playing, and he’d slide right back into the “Dio thing.”
They played a shortened version of Heaven And Hell. They cut out the Iommi guitar solo. Too bad. But overall, Dio did a great show, and I left the Garden State Arts center with true respect for the man.
RIP, Ronnie.
So Larry was telling me one of his web sites was hacked a few years ago and he lost all his data. This is a tragic story that makes me realize exactly how much people suck. Actually, I already realized it, so let’s just say this reinforces the idea.
This web site has automatic database backup, so I can’t lose anything permanently. It also has a plugin that will find any hacker and vaporize his face. Hey, hacker, have you tried eating a cheeseburger without a face? I’m guessing it’s pretty hard to do. So watch your step.
I suppose I should write something about the Winter Olympics. I suppose I should satirize curling as an Olympic sport—but I won’t, because there are enough people doing that already. But I’d like to say one thing: If curling is an Olympic sport, then bowling should be an Olympic sport. Because bowling is harder than curling. A bowler has to lift the ball, and a bowler must often bowl while completely drunk. And that’s not so easy.
Actually, bowling might already be an Olympic sport—I’m not sure. I don’t watch the Olympics.
New cars are more and more dependent on computers to run properly. Now I don’t want to sound like some old guy sitting in a rocking chair, chewing on a pair of plastic teeth—but do we really NEED to wire up every burp of beautiful carbon monoxide to a microchip?
I could see the point if the computer brought something to the party. Like more horsepower or maybe a couple of hookers. But actually, what does it do? Does the car last longer? No. Does it go any faster? No. Is it any cheaper? HA! It’s actually MORE expensive. So what’s the point?
There’s something to be said for the simplicity of a mechanical braking system. Okay, a human can’t make adjustments 10,000 times per second like a computer can. But you can actually stop the car, which is more than the owners of the Toyota Prius can say
I’m reading through the news, and here’s what I see:
Microsoft has created their own search engine at www.bing.com. They’ve also devised a plan to coerce newspapers into excluding content from Google searches. Hey, Microsoft, if you want to compete with others, why don’t you just try BUILDING A BETTER PRODUCT? Wait, I forgot—that would put you out of business. But I have to say, Explorer 8 is pretty respectable. Yes, after only seven futile attemps you’ve managed to do what Netscape was doing 10 years ago (before you crushed them beneath the weight of your incompetent operating system). Of course, I’m still using Firefox.
There’s a headline that asks the question: “Why has Paris Hilton vanished?” Well, maybe people have finally figured out she doesn’t actually do anything.
There’s a researcher who claims that “lonliness is contagious.” Apparently, lonely people tend to make their entire network of friends feel lonely, and I don’t get it. Because if you have all these friends, why are you lonely? Back to the drawing board, doc.
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods. I think this story has taught us all something very valuable: You don’t have to be intelligent to play golf. In fact, you can be quite amazing at golf and still be a complete dumb-ass. How did he think he wasn’t going to get caught? Dude, you are TIGER WOODS. You are fish food for every tabloid shark on the planet. And you are jumping on top of every cocktail waitress in the world. I’d like to come up with a witty description of your overt stupidity, but I think the word that best describes your situation is, “DUH.”
The Nestle Research Center in Switzerland just completed a study, and the results clearly show that eating a quantity of dark chocolate every day reduces stress. Of course, Nestle is a chocolate company—but I’m sure the data isn’t biased. Kind of like a recent study that showed cell phones actually PREVENT tumors. And who conducted that study? A bunch of cell phone companies, of course. I wish I were joking, but here’s the reality—there is no reality. There is only a perception of reality. And the guy who pays for the most perception seems to get his reality told.
Anyway, as luck might have it, I have recently conducted a few studies of my own. Here are the results:
- Chocolate tastes great. But it will make you fat.
- Cell phones are cool—I like them. But they are probably lethal.
- This blog is wonderful. If you send me a heaping pile of cash, you will be thrilled.
Actually, I will be more thrilled than you. And that fact is incontrovertible.
LOCK AND LOAD
“Should I get this new vaccine?”
“No. It will make you sick.”
“I thought it was supposed to prevent me from getting sick.”
“That idea is an evil conspiracy. If you get a flu vaccine, you will get the flu.”
“Okay. But when I got the smallpox vaccine, I didn’t get smallpox.”
“That was different. ”
“And when I got the polio vaccine, I didn’t get polio.”
“That was different.”
“And when I got the tetanus vaccine, I didn’t get tetanus.”
“That was different.”
“Millions of people used to die from those diseases. And now they’ve been eradicated. So I was thinking maybe the vaccines are connected to—”
“You were thinking? That’s your problem. You’re not supposed to think. Thinking messes up everything.”
“Everything?”
“Well, it messes up my conspiracy theory. Nothing messes up a good conspiracy theory like too much thinking. So stop it.”
“Right. Now I understand.”
"Hey, what did I ever do to you?"
NASA is bombing the moon today. I guess we want to make the moon more like the Earth. Because bombs are always falling somewhere.
Okay—we’re not actually dropping bombs. We’re slamming a pair of spaceships into the moon in an attempt to see if there’s any water hiding underneath all that dust. Can you imagine the conversation over at NASA headquarters?
KABOOM!
“Hey, look, we found water!”
“Amazing!”
“And a bunch of little moon people!”
“Unbelievable!”
“And we’ve killed them!”
“Damn.”
Hello, moon. Hello from planet Earth.
A house supposedly used as a hideout by gangster Al Capone is up for sale. It’s a two-story stone lodge in Couderay, Wisconsin, and it sits on 407 acres of land. The property is in foreclosure, and it can be yours for only $2.8 million.
Al Capone was a killer who became rich and powerful by supplying liquor to eager patrons during that dark period of U.S. history known as Prohibition. Apparently, it was once illegal to buy a beer here in the “land of the free.” It was all about destroying evil. It’s funny how destroying evil often tends to manufacture more evil.
Al Capone once said, “Capitalism is the legitimate racket of the ruling class.” While this might be an exaggeration, I’m sure Al would have been jealous of the $700 billion that America’s banks heisted from the U.S. treasury a while back. I mean, do you know how many shots of Canadian whiskey a guy needs to sell to make 700 big ones?
Capone paid off cops and politicians to get what he wanted. This kind of bribery is a crime. Banks donated mountains of money to politicians and got what they wanted. Apparently, this was not a crime.
Capone received a stiff sentence and went to prison. The bankers received huge bonuses and went to Hawaii.
Hey, Al, you were in the wrong racket.
CLASSIC ROCK
Break out the champagne! Scientists have discovered another circle of stones near Stonehenge. Apparently, this is a very big deal. In fact, University of Bristol archaeologist Joshua Pollard has described the new find as “incredible.” And I know just how he feels because I always get an extra spring in my step whenever some lump in a lab coat finds a brand new pile of rocks.
Stonehenge has always fascinated the archeological world. It’s always been very important to know why a bunch of primitive idiots were moving around these giant stones. And now, due to this recent discovery, they believe the mystery is solved: Stonehenge was a BURIAL GROUND. Who could have guessed? I mean, I thought for sure it was an airport.
I get so tired of the idea that primitive people were chock full of wisdom and ancient secrets about the universe. Primitive people did not spend their time communing over deep ideas. Primitive people spent most of their time trying to stay alive. They had sex on dirt floors and killed each other with pointy objects. They were greedy and dumb and ruled by idiotic superstition.
And guess what? Not much has changed—except the weapons are better and the churches are bigger. You want to meet a primitive person? Go take a walk down a crowded city street. Or maybe look in the mirror.
"Sniff me."
A new study shows that 90% of U.S. currency contains traces of cocaine. I thought I’d interview a dollar bill and see what he had to say for himself. My questions are in bold black. His responses are in a greedy shade of green.
So, you’re a coke-head?
SNORT! SNORT! It’s possible. Are you concerned?
Yes. Cocaine is a highly addictive drug. Does it really make you feel good?
Sure, I feel great. Except for some sweating, and some vomiting, and an occasional stroke.
Seriously, why are you so covered in coke?
Seriously, it’s the least of my problems… People tell horrible lies because of me, they commit acts of violence because of me, they cause miserable amounts of heartbreak because of me. I’m the scourge of the world.
Wow. So do you feel a lot of animosity?
No. I’m a very popular scourge. Because people love to buy stuff.
Okay… So what happens now?
I suppose I’ll crawl back into the cash machine and snort myself stupid.
Thanks for your time.
SNORT! SNORT! Don’t mention it.
my exciting life, stuff in the news | joeythesquash | 
May 18, 2010 9:15 am | 
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