Interview With A Television Set |

Interview With A Television Set

"Bow down, slave!"

I decided to interview a TV set. My questions are in bold black. The TV’s responses are in effervescent, electric blue.

The Nielsen Corporation is now reporting there are more televisions in the United States than people. Does this fact make you arrogant?

Of course not, but you are all our slaves—the unwilling puppets of your digital masters. Kneel and kiss my extension cord, you pitiful vassal made of flesh.

Uh, okay, let’s move on to something else… Why do you think television is so popular?

Isn’t it obvious? We provide a necessity. In reality, we are just another form of food. How many of you could live without your daily dose of Bridezillas? Or Real Housewives of New Jersey?

Well, theoretically, there are some people who—

And we don’t require water! Or heat! Or anti-depressants! We are superior to humans in every way! All we really need is the electricity produced from a few monstrous, coal-sucking factories. So get out there and fetch me some fresh coal, yum-yum.

How do you respond to allegations that television is stupid?

Stupid? Have you seen PBS?

Ah, so you’re a champion of PBS?

Of course not. No one watches PBS.

Isn’t it true the brain wave pattern of a person watching television is exactly the same as the brain wave pattern of someone who is asleep?

So? What’s wrong with that? Sleep is a good thing. Without sleep you would die, or at least get very tired. Just don’t sleep through the latest episode of America’s Top Model.

Tags: interview with a television set, television

stuff in the news, television | joeythesquash | July 22, 2009 7:26 am

1 Comment

By Daphne, July 22, 2009 @ 4:58 pm

But if I don’t watch TV, what will I do while I’m eating my bag of White Castle hamburgers?