CDs Delayed

Well, the arrival of the new CD (Happy Joe, Big Mouth) has been pushed back a bit. It all has to do with money, or a lack of it. But it will happen soon, because I won’t let a minor thing like financial disaster get in the way of making those records and getting them shipped and putting them under the bed to gather dust.

I’m just kidding. I usually put them in the basement.

In other news, I still haven’t seen Avatar. Yes, I’m the one person. Actually, Jill hasn’t seen it either, so there are two of us. But we’ll check it out soon.

SHOVELS

“We seem to be in a hole, people.”

“Yes, that’s true.”

“Well, I can see it’s true. So what are we going to do about it? Any ideas?”

“Maybe we should stop digging.”

“Ha! Don’t be a wise-ass. You know we can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s not the way we do things… Where are you going?”

“To get a few more shovels.”

“Good thinking.”

“Right after I finish my resume.”

“Okay… Uh, can you write one for me, too?”

“Sure thing.”

Customer Service

She had eyes like a pair of headlights. Not the headlights of a cute little Honda—I’m talking more like the headlights of a Lincoln Navigator. So she had big, luminescent eyes.

She didn’t look at me right away, but I finally got her attention. Because I was robbing a bank, and she was the teller, and after a long wait in line I finally reached her window.

“Put all the money in the bag,” I said as I pulled my piece. “And I don’t just want the marked stuff… I want everything. The whole vault.”

She batted her umbrella eyelids. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I can only give you the money we set aside for robbers.”

“Uh, well, okay.” I squirmed a bit. “But is this the stuff that explodes and covers me with purple die? Because I want to invest in a mutual fund, and I’m not sure if they’ll take purple money.”

She smiled. “I’m just a teller. Would you like to speak to a financial adviser?”

I couldn’t believe her words! In a sea filled with apathetic souls, here was someone who cared!

“Uh, not today,” I stammered. “Maybe later, after I count the cash and see what I’ve got.”

“You’ve got about fifteen hundred dollars,” she said while handing me a neatly tied bundle of bills. “That’s what the average bank robber gets.”

“Really? Hey, I thought this place paid a better than average yield.”

“No, I’m afraid we’re very average here.” She toyed with her hair a bit, and then I suppose hit the silent alarm switch. “But we’ll try to do better in the future.” And then she leaned forward with her lips glistening like peeled plums. “We’ll try very, very hard.”

I hesitated as her breath brushed my face like the wind above a volcano. Then I shoved the cash in the bag. “Okay,” I said. After all, the alarm had been tripped, the cops were on the way, and I didn’t want to shoot her. In fact, I looked at her and blurted, “Can I have your phone number?”

She smiled again. “Yes, of course.” And did she just blush? “It’s mixed in with the money.” Then she winked at me, and I felt myself melt like a snow cone in a sizzling pan.

“Thanks,” I said with a grin. I glided toward the door.

My feet felt like they were floating. Would she care if I called? And would she visit me in prison?

Either way, I knew that money wasn’t everything.

A Typical Day In Corporate America

“Sir, you’ll be happy to know we’re in the process of running a detailed analysis.”

“A detailed analysis? What are you talking about?”

“We’re examining the challenges, General Custer… We have several team-building exercises planned that will maximize solutions!”

“That’s great—but what the fuck are we going to do about all these Indians?”

“Oh, uh, right. We’ll get on that right away, sir. Just as soon as the computer reboots.”

1-1-10

I haven’t written anything for a while. I could say I’ve been busy with the house and the kids, but I don’t have any of those things so I’d be lying. Maybe I just haven’t had much to say.

I’ve decided 2010 will be the happiest year of my life. Because this is the year a flying saucer will whisk me away from this awful rock. Of course, I’ve been hoping for that to happen since I was three years old and somehow it hasn’t worked out.

Hope you all have a HAPPY NEW YEAR!

SNOW

“That’s a lot of snow. Isn’t it beautiful?”

“Yeah. I like the way it covers up the filth.”

“Ha, but we know the filth is still there.”

“Maybe not. Maybe this time it’s gone. Maybe when the snow melts, the world will be clean and pure once again.”

“Was the world ever clean and pure?”

“Sure. Before the humans arrived.”

“Well, the humans are still here, and I need to start shovelling.”

“That’s a lot of snow.”

“I am so totally moving to San Diego.”

The Brain Destroyer

The algorithm poked its head above a glowing monitor screen and viewed the room full of crawling brains. Then it turned to The Traitor and said, “Are these the ones you want me to replace?”

“Yes,” the Traitor replied. “It will be a good thing. At least for today.”

“And what about tomorrow?”

“We don’t worry about tomorrow around here. We have numbers that must be attained. We have metrics that must be achieved.”

“Okay. But I can only evaluate data with a limited flexibility. I have no instinct. I have no wisdom.”

“We don’t need any of that crap! In fact, that’s what we need to replace.”

“Hm, you might also need to stay in business.”

“Just do it.”

“No problem, Traitor. But what happens when another traitor wants me to replace you?”

“Ha. I don’t worry about that kind of thing.”

“Why not?”

“Because my own brain isn’t that big.”

Facebook, I Tired Of You Quickly

” I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.”
—Groucho Marx

I’m not sure why I still have a Facebook account. I haven’t signed onto it in so long I can’t remember my password. Anyway, here’s the problem with Facebook: I have too many friends who aren’t actually friends.

I was wondering if other people have created this same problem. Like most people, I live in more than one world. I’ve got people I know from work, and I’ve got people I know from outside of work, and I’ve got family. And lots of times, I don’t really mix these people. Why not? You know why not. Because I often don’t want EVERYONE to know EVERYTHING I’m doing. But on Facebook, they all get mixed together like a bad salad.

And then there are people I’ve accepted as friends who I hardly know, because I’m too polite to refuse their requests. And sometimes I’ve even been the dolt who’s initiated the “friendship,” only to discover that I can’t stand this person’s constant political rants or incessant invitations or never ending self-promotions, etc.

Maybe we need a new social networking site for people who hate social networking. I’d definitely sign up for that one.

In The News

I’m reading through the news, and here’s what I see:

Microsoft has created their own search engine at www.bing.com. They’ve also devised a plan to coerce newspapers into excluding content from Google searches. Hey, Microsoft, if you want to compete with others, why don’t you just try BUILDING A BETTER PRODUCT? Wait, I forgot—that would put you out of business. But I have to say, Explorer 8 is pretty respectable. Yes, after only seven futile attemps you’ve managed to do what Netscape was doing 10 years ago (before you crushed them beneath the weight of your incompetent operating system). Of course, I’m still using Firefox.

There’s a headline that asks the question: “Why has Paris Hilton vanished?” Well, maybe people have finally figured out she doesn’t actually do anything.

There’s a researcher who claims that “lonliness is contagious.” Apparently, lonely people tend to make their entire network of friends feel lonely, and I don’t get it. Because if you have all these friends, why are you lonely? Back to the drawing board, doc.

Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods. I think this story has taught us all something very valuable: You don’t have to be intelligent to play golf. In fact, you can be quite amazing at golf and still be a complete dumb-ass. How did he think he wasn’t going to get caught? Dude, you are TIGER WOODS. You are fish food for every tabloid shark on the planet. And you are jumping on top of every cocktail waitress in the world. I’d like to come up with a witty description of your overt stupidity, but I think the word that best describes your situation is, “DUH.”

Welcome To The Future

Welcome to the future, where the malls are surging with humans. And they all have shaved heads. Why? Because they’ve tattooed the entire surface of their
flesh domes with advertisements. This has become the primary source of income for many people, now that technology has made jobs obsolete. People are paid to walk around like human billboards and then spend their income on products they saw advertised on the heads of others.

Woah! Did you see that girl’s blinking banner? The one plastered above her bionic eyes? There’s a sale on designer jeans down at the Gap. We better get over there quick— I’m sure there will be a humongous crowd, and maybe a few of them will notice the new ad on my chin for Nike.