TOFU

I tried being a vegetarian once. I threw out a hundred pounds of tofu trying to make that stuff taste like food.

It blends right into everything—uh, no, not really. I mean, not unless you’re blending it into soft, wet rubber. It isn’t too bad when you mix it in a frying pan with peppers and onions, but do you know what tastes a lot better? Use eggs instead. And throw in some bacon.

Actually, I don’t eat bacon. Because look what it did to Elvis. Of course, Elvis also loved fried banana and peanut butter sandwiches, which are totally “vegetarian.”

Maybe I’ll try one of those some day.