In The News

I’m reading through the news, and here’s what I see:

Microsoft has created their own search engine at www.bing.com. They’ve also devised a plan to coerce newspapers into excluding content from Google searches. Hey, Microsoft, if you want to compete with others, why don’t you just try BUILDING A BETTER PRODUCT? Wait, I forgot—that would put you out of business. But I have to say, Explorer 8 is pretty respectable. Yes, after only seven futile attemps you’ve managed to do what Netscape was doing 10 years ago (before you crushed them beneath the weight of your incompetent operating system). Of course, I’m still using Firefox.

There’s a headline that asks the question: “Why has Paris Hilton vanished?” Well, maybe people have finally figured out she doesn’t actually do anything.

There’s a researcher who claims that “lonliness is contagious.” Apparently, lonely people tend to make their entire network of friends feel lonely, and I don’t get it. Because if you have all these friends, why are you lonely? Back to the drawing board, doc.

Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods. I think this story has taught us all something very valuable: You don’t have to be intelligent to play golf. In fact, you can be quite amazing at golf and still be a complete dumb-ass. How did he think he wasn’t going to get caught? Dude, you are TIGER WOODS. You are fish food for every tabloid shark on the planet. And you are jumping on top of every cocktail waitress in the world. I’d like to come up with a witty description of your overt stupidity, but I think the word that best describes your situation is, “DUH.”